1. In and Out (1 - 25) Sit on floor with hands at sides, knees bent with feet on the floor. Raise feet off the ground and bring knees in towards your chest. Straighten legs back out and repeat movement. To increase difficulty, raise arms straight overhead.

2. Seated Bicycle (1 - 50) - Sitting in same position as In & Out, make small circles with legs as if pedaling a bicycle. Do 25 reps forward and 25 reps backward (1 revolution=1 rep). To increase difficulty, raise arms straight overhead.
   

3. Seated Crunchy Frog (1 - 25) - Same position and movement as In & Out, only the hands should be of the floor and wrapped around knees (without touching knees). When legs are extended out, arms should be stretched out at sides parallel to ground.
   

4. Cross Leg,Wide Leg Sit-Up (1 - 25) - Lie flat on back with feet crossed OR legs wide. Place one hand behind head and bring torso up to perform standard sit-up movement. Reach other arm out to touch opposite foot. Alternate arm positions for each rep. If unable to keep feet planted firmly on floor, use dumbbell(s) to help anchor lower body.
   

5. Fifer Scissor (1 - 25) - Lie flat on your back, extending one leg skyward, while lifting opposite leg off the floor a few inches. Alternate legs in scissor motion for a 3-second count hold for every rep. Keep both feet flexed throughout entire exercise.

6. Hip Rock n Raise (1 - 25) - Lie on back, open hips, and bend legs so that the bottom of your feet are touching. With arms at sides, rock your hips, left pelvis, and drive feet directly up toward ceiling (toes straight up, NOT over face). When lowering legs back down, do not let them touch the ground.

7. Pulse-Up (Heels to Heaven) (1 - 25) - Lying on back, extend legs straight up with arms at sides. When raising hips, imagine touching the ceiling with the balls of your feet. Be sure to lift the legs straight up at 90 degrees, and NOT at an angle towards head. Focus on maintaining straight legs.

8. Roll-Up, V-Up Combo (1 - 25) - Lie flat back with legs straight ou...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted payc...

1. Why don't you look in the *$@#! workpapers ?
2. I didn't do it. I *$@# up.
3. When you give me enough time to do a damn audit, I'll do a damn audit.
4.  How far into the ground would you like me to beat this ?
5. Who cares ? The report has already been issued to the client.
6. Webster defines "immaterial" as "That which does not matter, not important, unimportant".
7. Well, if we could get a little support on planning for this job.
8. The senior told me to do it that way.
9. You must have discussed this with someone else.
10. Noted for next year (I'm not up to it this year, and I may not be around then).
11. Watch it! I have a standing offer with another firm. I didn't review it, I just signed off on it.
12. Frankly, it didn't even cross my mind.
13. I never really did understand taxes.
14. It's good enough for inter-office work.
15. But I really think it is an isolated error (I don't know how to evaluate it).
16. I must have missed staff training that day.
17. Oh, come on! Who really reads that shit anyway?
18. You are assuming that the client has a basic knowledge of accounting.
19. N/A; See planning note. [Under rotational testing, I only perform complete and thorough work during a scheduled promotion year (or when there is a greater than 50%  likelihood that early promotion is available within a period not to exceed one year)].
20. You have obviously mistaken me for somebody who gives a #$%*&!
21. Funny, they didn't teach that at ES training.
22. Remember, my general review was performed in contemplation of your subsequent detail review
23. Please be advised: In order to improve client satisfaction and reduce re-work, the review notes may be monitored by HCESRN (Hardnock Council for the Elimination of Stupid Review Notes)
24. Planning, schmlanning.
25. Aw Hells Bells.
26. That's the way we did it last year.
27. Why should I stay late when I go...

1.  Never give me work in the morning.   Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2.  If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going.  That helps.  Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.  I am psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late.  I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.  I have no life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.  If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8.  If you don't like my work, tell everyone.  I like my name to be popular in conversations.  I was born to be whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.  No use confusing me with useful information.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you're with.  I have no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain, I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11.  Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12.  Tell me all your little problems.   No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.  I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13.  Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating   with a cost of living increase. I'm not here f...

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.  Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter  (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should send this warning to 5 friends.   If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."  The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

 After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."   The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"  "A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Chili Recipe

•  1 12oz can White Northern Beans un-drained
• 1 12 oz can Dark Red Kidney Beans un-drained
• 1 12 oz can Light Red Kidney Beans un-drained
• 1 12 oz can Black Beans drained
• 1 lb 93/7 Ground Beef
• 1 lb Ground Turkey
• 1 large can diced or stewed tomatoes
• 1 small can tomato paste

Brown hamburger and ground turkey together, drain any excess grease. Combine all beans, tomatoes, paste, and beef into large crock pot.  Seasonings, old bay seasoning, season salt, 1 packet mild chili seasoning, chopped/dried onions (or real onion if desired) garlic powder, crushed red pepper, black pepper.  Slow cook on low for about 8 hours, stirring periodically.   Serves about 6-8 people, best served with a dollop of sour cream and shredded cheese and oyster crackers.

• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, softened
• 1 cup light brown sugar
• 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
• 1 large egg
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1-3/4 cups all purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1-1/2 teaspoons instant espresso coffee powder
• 1-1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
  
  
  Directions

• 1/2 Ib hot sausage, cooked and drained
• 1/2 Ib hot sausage, cooked and drained
• 1/2 Block of "Shredded" Monterey Jack Cheese (or 8 oz package)
• 1 tsp Italian Seasoning
• 3 eggs
• 1 package frozen bread loaves (defrost before use)
• Olive Oil
• Parmesan cheese
• Preheated over @ 375 Degrees

• 1/2 Ib hot sausage, cooked and drained
• 1/2 Ib hot sausage, cooked and drained
• 1/2 Block of "Shredded" Monterey Jack Cheese (or 8 oz package)
• 1 tsp Italian Seasoning
• 3 eggs

• Prepare "Sausage Mixture" noted above by combining incredients in large bowl and mixing vigorously
• Take 1 package Bread Loaves (defrosted) and roll / stretch them out to cover an area 6 in. x 18 in
• Spoon "Sausage Mixture" onto center of 6' x 18' Bread Loaf area.  Leave approx. 2 inches uncovered around the edges.
• Take Opposite Edges of "Long Side" (18 inches) and bring together forming a "Roll" by kneading the loaves into one piece
• Take Ends of the "Roll" (that right now looks like a Tube) and create a circle with the ends of the Roll Touching
• Knead together the ends into one piece to form a Ring / Circle. The Hole in the center of the ring should be about the size of a tennis ball.
• Place uncooked Sausage Roll onto Baking Sheet and Slash around edges
• Bake in preheated over @ 375 degrees for 30 - 40 minutes
• Sprinkle top of ring with parmesan cheese immediately after removing from oven.
• Enjoy!

What a woman says, what she really means…

I need = I want
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later <--- this is so true!
We need to talk = I need to complain （Anyone who has seen the movie, Breakin’ All the Rules（Jamie Foxx , 2004）must remember We need to talk = Break up）
Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS （PMS = Premenstrual Syndrome）
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper…
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. （This usually means you have to wait longer enough, so be patient）
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you’re dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Of course I’m yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means…

I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I c...

Why are men such jerks?

It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men always say such stupid things?

We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

Why are men so uncommunicative?

You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

Why do men have to act like such retards?

Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Why can’t men just share their feelings?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Why can’t men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?

Please … How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men … Men hunters … Need go roam … Starve in cave … Must go find wildebeest … Now, sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of times without getting tired. In pre...

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL ADULT EDUCATION CENTER. SIGN UP BY SEPT. 1st. Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight (8) participants each.

• Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.
• Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Does it grow on the holder? Round table discussion.
• Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of lifting the seat up and avoiding the floor/walls and nearby bathtub? Group practice.
• Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor (Pictures and explanatory graphics provided).
• Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
• Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line support and support groups.Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
• Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
• Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
• Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
• Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. On-line class and role playing.
• Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation, exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.
• Topic 13 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Upon completion of the course diplomas will be issued to the survivors

Thanks,

Troubled User.....

_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, u...